I’m in a bad mood and got a few good reasons, so today I’m going to take out some of my surly disposition on stupid baby names and those who choose them. I think what you name your baby can say a lot about your personality, but why should it? And I’m a name snob. We all know it’s wrong to judge and we all do it everyday. I’m not above admitting I can’t help but judge you at least a little on the name you choose for your baby. Actually my amount of judgement directly correlates to how dumb your kid’s name is.
This is just another thing on the growing list of ways I don’t fit in. First off, trendy is something I generally run from. Who’d of guessed I’m so anti-social? Secondly I’m too tired to appreciate how hip, unique and cool you are and how your hip, unique cool baby name expresses all your hip, unique coolness. Thirdly, stupid baby names make me want to punch people in the face. Some days are better than others. But often it goes like this, “Oh your baby’s so cute, what’s her name?”
“I hate you.”
I can safely assume I’m probably never gonna get along with anyone who names their kid Dayton or Peyton. I keep it simple. I’m a Harry, Joe, George, Jack, Charles kinda girl. Maybe dull, but strong, old fashioned male names that aren’t trying to express my creativity. In fact they express nothing about me and that’s how I like it. Imagine if I asserted my personality into the names I chose for my kids. I’ll just let that one stand on its own.
Geographical names like Dallas, Madison, Cheyenne and Dakota grate on me unless they’re for your pet. But the worst one I ever heard was Aspen because when you shorten it you end up calling the kid, ‘Ass.’ A bit more irritating are lake names like, ‘Mendota,’ and, ‘Monona’ (they’re twins…how clever!) or larger bodies of water like, ‘Oceana.’
Street names like, ‘McKenna,’ mildly bug me, but are no where near as bad as fruit names ‘Apple,’ and, ‘Banana,’ deserts, ‘Eclair,’ veggies, ‘Parsley’, soft drink brands, ‘Shasta,’ seasoning, ‘Curry,’and, ‘Sage’ (that last one’s Aspen’s brother), alcoholic beverages, ‘Margarita’ (I mean what the fuck?), nuts, ‘Cashew,’ meat,’ Bacon,’ and any name rhyming with Aiden, including Haydon, Jaden, Caiden, Braydon, and Waden especially when they’re all from the same adorable family. And just so we’re clear, I know at least one of each.
Names announcing how great you think your kid is like, ‘Treasure,’ ‘and Precious,’ make me want to laugh in your face at your inexperience. Yeh dumb ass, they’re all precious treasures when they’re born…wait 15 years then see how well it fits. Also pieces of 2 or more names put together are usually ridiculous like, ‘Gabatha,’ or, ‘Theofinia,’ (they’re sisters! Who’d of guessed?). Those kinda names scream, “indecisive parent.” Bird names like, ‘Sparrow,’ or, ‘Raven,’ and names that are verbs like, ‘Race,’ irk me too.
It’s also a pet peeve when others take your kid’s name and use it for their baby. There’s plenty of names…get your own!! When that happens it says, “I don’t have any good ideas and I want to be just like you.” There’s an exception to this when the name you choose is honoring someone in your family, but otherwise it annoys and kinda creeps me out.
Worth an honorable mention are people who take regular names and spell them with their own special creative oh-so-trendy twist. Like, ‘Mikel,’ for Michael, ‘Breyonna,’ for Brianna or ‘Jaysen,’ for Jason. You can’t tell me that doesn’t shout, ‘Ehshol,’ for, ‘Asshole.’
I’m not tryin to say any of this is rational or normal..I’m sure by now you’ve figured out I’m anything but. I’m just sayin when I hear a trendy name, that rotten little devil on my shoulder, screams, “Loser! Your child’s gonna pay for your insecurities for the rest of their life!” While the angel whispers, “Don’t be so harsh. After all Nevaeh is heaven spelled backward.” “Yeah,” the devil chimes in, “but what about her brother Norom?”
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