1). Guys use Viagra to masterbate. If you need meds to play with yourself, your game is bored. Put it away and get outta the house. In that order.
2) They also use porn when they have a willing, breathing partner. WTF and I mean it. Why They Fu*k? If it don’t matter where he gets his appetite, then he’s not about eatin you.
3) It’s not your monkeys, not your circus, it’s all mine.
4) No one ever believes it could happen there, because it’s always happening here.
5) People say, “He seemed like such a nice guy.” If you knew Jeffrey Dahmer, John Gacy or Ed Gein, and they seemed normal, then you’re a weirdo. Every photo you see of, “He Seemed Like Such A Nice Guy,” is creepy. So either you’re not very observant or all your friends have a girl locked in the basement. Who you hangin with?
6) Why do cops need to draw their guns? Can’t they just take a selfie?
7) Why can’t you believe it’s not butter? It’s just not, ok?
8) How can I be freezing in hell?
9) Why are so many trolls on lines? Shouldn’t they be in rehab?
10) Who wouldn’t want to be in my shoes? They’re really comfortable.
11) You know why everyone starts a family of their own? Cause it’s really messy to start someone else’s.
12) Why Open Letters? Try envelopes.
13) Dr. Phil says he has the best resources in the world, but allows addicts to shoot up in the bathroom and drink in the dressing room. How bout putting lives before ratings? Are you man enough? Are you rich enough? Are you famous enough to put your money where your Southern drawls?
14) I think gay people need walk-out closets.
15) And I don’t know why anyone would invite Kayne.
16) Besides your family, who cares if, at 22, you decided you never want kids? And why let others rile you? Come up with an answer that shuts em up, just like ya do with kids. It’ll be good practice if ya change your mind.
17) Does anyone ever really know they want kids? Ya might think ya wanna baby, toddler or child, but if anyone woulda asked, “Do you want teens?” I’da shoved NuvaRings up my ass and eaten a case of unlubed, spermicidal Trojans.
17) Why is justice blind? It’s a really bad tradition. It’s 2015, have laser surgery.
18) When asked, “What would Jesus do?” did you answer, “Be a bitch?” Seems like it, but I bet you’re wrong.
(c) a finglunatic2015