(original Songwriters: PALMER, ROBERT ALLAN)

The lights are on, but you’re not home,

That stuff is not your own.

You got the sweats, your body aches,

Another rush, is what it takes.

You don’t sleep, you don’t eat,

Track marks, scars so deep.

Target’s nearby and there’s Best Buy,

Surveillance tape, and it don’t lie.

Whoa, you like to think that you can just take all their stuff, oh yeah,

It’s closer to the truth to say ya ran outta luck.
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to drugs.

Might as well face it you’re addicted to drugs.

Might as well face it you’re addicted to drugs.

Might as well face it you’re addicted to drugs.

Same old sad story, you’re addicted, ya thug.

Sirens and lights, ya try to speed,

Runnin reds, and smokin weed.
Expensive tech, in the backseat,

But you ain’t got, any receipt.

Whoa, you like to think you won’t get caught with the stuff, oh yeah,
It’s closer to the noose to say your hands are in cuffs.
Nothin left, can’t fake it, you’re addicted to drugs.

New felonies, facin more time,

The life you choose, is one of crime.

You’re locked away, we all know why,

Cause heroin, is one big lie.

(c) mothaofafelon 2015


Borderline personality is only one of mine. Whiny box blogs bout summer and mental illness rhymes. When you’re sick in the head, people don’t love, they leave. Relatives can’t relate to suicidal tic tack quirks.  They shun your rants, smear your smirks, you call them jerks, your job don’t work, spittin truths hurts. Texts in church. Marshals search. (24 felonies, 19 cities, 14 counties, 3 states).

I can’t pray without screaming and swearing. Let me out of this life so I don’t have to do it to my kids. There’s gotta be a way cause one day I died.  I can’t remember from coma to rage.  Kids can’t forget.  They think I lied.  Mentally ill’s not blue, I’m cracked up to be not you.

Now my sister has cancer. We look alike maybe God thought I was her. She doesn’t talk to me because I said she’s a snobby bitch. Even though I apologized. I just couldn’t think of nicer words.

There’s dog pee on my pillow when it’s time to lay my head and lithium in my blood stream to keep me from being dead. But anxiety’s entertainment. It’s martini mommy. You’re a depressed, blogging housewife who shouldn’t fuck with me.

Mental illness scares your kids, makes you hate and say things other people know how to hold in. Mom’s anti-dote, not anecdotal, bi-polar cycling, tryin  to keep jobs and custody.  Unfit for publication,  don’t get too close, you can’t catch me.

I got el-bows as I walk on by, you otha mathas can’t deny, when I walk through the door I cry, funny bone is a nurse maids lie.

(c)me 2015


(sung to the tune of, “dirty work” written by, ” Walter Carl Becker and Jay Donald Fagen, sung by Steely Dan)

You’re lazy
Seventeen looks bad, ya see
And you have yourself a motha
Who will do the job for free

When you need some clean pajamas
Cause you wore em all day long
That’s the time you get me playin
Washer/dryer singin song

I’m a fool to wash your dirty clothes
Oh yeah
I don’t want to wash your dirty clothes

No more
I’m a fool to do your dirty clothes
Oh yeah

Dirty socks there
Piled high behind the door
You have boxers in the bathroom
Lyin on the tile floor

Like the Levis stuck in the chute
I am hanging by a thread
You have run out of your clean shirts
Cuz they’re shoved under your bed.

I’m a fool to wash your dirty clothes
Oh yeah
I don’t want to wash your dirty clothes
No more
I’m a fool to do your dirty clothes
Oh no

(c) thatwouldbemom2013,2014,2015


We’re not supposed to notice, if we do, we shouldn’t say.  Be accepting, supportive, understanding and correct.  I’ve always been the kid in, ‘The Emperors New Clothes,’  maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Lithium,  so I’m just sayin, Bruce Jenner’s one ugly broad. Shallow, yes, but I think he was born in the wrong birthday suit and purchased the wrong face.

When he was in the Olympics, he was decent looking, but even before his gold medals, he always felt like a girl.  I can only imagine how difficult it is being transgendered.  My sympathy wanes, however, when you know you’re in the wrong body, marry three women, have six kids, turn sixty-five, then sport a vagina. Luckily, I don’t really have to get it,  but I do have to see him in the check-out lane.

If ya put your family through the spectacle you’ve made of yourself, the least you can do is look better afterward.  Then we could all say, “Oh yeh, I see it now.  He was supposed to be a woman.”  But his new face makes me cringe at what went down below the belt.  Now the new, improved  pole vulva man says he still wants to have sex with women.   When that headlines on ‘PEOPLE,’ please shove a javelin in my eyes.

I was also born in the wrong body. I should be Helen Keller cause I don’t wanna see or hear this shit.   I’m also supposed to have big tits and tight arms. My ass is supposed to be round and skin smooth. My balls are bigger than most, but I can’t afford plastic surgery, so it’s a good thing I don’t need to see em, to feel em.  Bruce’s are legally restructured and her only condolence is Kanye was born without a brain.  He’s no breakfast of champions either, just a big ass flake.


I’m in a bad mood and got a few good reasons, so today I’m going to take out some of my surly disposition on stupid baby names and those who choose them. I think what you name your baby can say a lot about your personality, but why should it? And I’m a name snob. We all know it’s wrong to judge and we all do it everyday. I’m not above admitting I can’t help but judge you at least a little on the name you choose for your baby. Actually my amount of judgement directly correlates to how dumb your kid’s name is.
This is just another thing on the growing list of ways I don’t fit in. First off, trendy is something I generally run from. Who’d of guessed I’m so anti-social? Secondly I’m too tired to appreciate how hip, unique and cool you are and how your hip, unique cool baby name expresses all your hip, unique coolness. Thirdly, stupid baby names make me want to punch people in the face. Some days are better than others. But often it goes like this, “Oh your baby’s so cute, what’s her name?”


“I hate you.”

I can safely assume I’m probably never gonna get along with anyone who names their kid Dayton or Peyton. I keep it simple. I’m a Harry, Joe, George, Jack, Charles kinda girl. Maybe dull, but strong, old fashioned male names that aren’t trying to express my creativity. In fact they express nothing about me and that’s how I like it. Imagine if I asserted my personality into the names I chose for my kids. I’ll just let that one stand on its own.

Geographical names like Dallas, Madison, Cheyenne and Dakota grate on me unless they’re for your pet. But the worst one I ever heard was Aspen because when you shorten it you end up calling the kid, ‘Ass.’ A bit more irritating are lake names  like, ‘Mendota,’ and, ‘Monona’ (they’re twins…how clever!) or larger bodies of water like, ‘Oceana.’

Street names like, ‘McKenna,’ mildly bug me, but are no where near as bad as fruit names  ‘Apple,’ and, ‘Banana,’ deserts, ‘Eclair,’ veggies, ‘Parsley’, soft drink brands, ‘Shasta,’ seasoning, ‘Curry,’and, ‘Sage’ (that last one’s Aspen’s brother), alcoholic beverages, ‘Margarita’ (I mean what the fuck?), nuts, ‘Cashew,’ meat,’ Bacon,’ and any name rhyming with Aiden, including Haydon, Jaden, Caiden, Braydon, and Waden especially when they’re all from the same adorable family. And just so we’re clear, I know at least one of each.

Names announcing how great you think your kid is like, ‘Treasure,’  ‘and Precious,’  make me want to laugh in your face at your inexperience. Yeh dumb ass, they’re all precious treasures when they’re born…wait 15 years then see how well it fits. Also pieces of 2 or more names put together are usually ridiculous like, ‘Gabatha,’ or, ‘Theofinia,’ (they’re sisters! Who’d of guessed?). Those kinda names scream, “indecisive parent.” Bird names like, ‘Sparrow,’ or, ‘Raven,’ and names that are verbs like, ‘Race,’ irk me too.

It’s also a pet peeve when others take your kid’s name and use it for their baby. There’s plenty of names…get your own!! When that happens it says, “I don’t have any good ideas and I want to be just like you.” There’s an exception to this when the name you choose is honoring someone in your family, but otherwise it annoys and kinda creeps me out.

Worth an honorable mention are people who take regular names and spell them with their own special creative oh-so-trendy twist. Like, ‘Mikel,’ for Michael, ‘Breyonna,’ for Brianna or ‘Jaysen,’ for Jason. You can’t tell me that doesn’t shout, ‘Ehshol,’ for, ‘Asshole.’

I’m not tryin to say any of this is rational or normal..I’m sure by now you’ve figured out I’m anything but. I’m just sayin when I hear a trendy name, that rotten little devil on my shoulder, screams, “Loser! Your child’s gonna pay for your insecurities for the rest of their life!” While the angel whispers, “Don’t be so harsh. After all Nevaeh is heaven spelled backward.” “Yeah,” the devil chimes in, “but what about her brother Norom?”
(c) copyright it’sallmine 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015


La la and my teens finally got a diagnosis.  They’re on the Asstism Rectum.   Although high functioning, they’re also functioning high.  Nineteen wakes me up pukin.  If you’re gonna stay out drinkin, don’t come home pukin.  I gotta go to work.  He says, “I work too,” but doesn’t pay the bills.  When you’re workin to party, don’t wake me.  I bought him a car as an acheivable goal since he toked outta college.  He can’t have it til he pays me back.  When I ask, he says, “The money’s in the bank.”   I tried that with the electric company.  Now I can’t read, it’s too dark.

My felon branched out and become a chain in three  states.  I wouldn’t have known were I not searching online for him when he disappeared last month.  I love Google.  I found the recipe for Black and White Cookies and him facing  200 years for stickin Xboxes under his t-shirt.  Don’t smile it’s not Candid Camera, it’s the FBI.

The things they do for drugs.  Like pickin up some Beats for some dope when there’s no other dough, cuz ya feel like a part of you is dyin.  You’re takin off the theft tag with a wand.  You think you’re gonna shoot up, but the cops shout, “Put your hands up!”  Ooh I guess they caught ya,  Ooh they pulled their guns, Ooh ya won’t see freedom, not today.

The mother of one of his co-defendants texted her son was just givin Will a ride.  No, no, no.  When  the car’s  full of stolen merchandise it’s called ‘Party To A Crime’.  You can cry if you wanna, but he was the getaway, not taxi driver.  Overwhelmed with new evidence, I went in his fb and was blind sighted by messages between him and his younger brother.

I texted Sixteen, went to work and locked the door.  He went to his dad, who started in on what kind of mother would lock her poor, little baby out of the house.  Well, which is it?   Ya can be a thug or need your mommy, not both. You’re gangsta enough to sell quads and set up ‘n’ words in dad’s stairwell, you can pull your resources while I’m at work.  You said yourself, you “scrappy as fuck.”  Scooby smokin too many doobies.

My felon sobered up about ten days later to the mess he’s made of life.  He’s far away and I don’t know when I’ll ever see him again.  Nineteen made a payment on his car so he’s half way to drivin.  Sixteen’s school counselor wants a meeting to discuss how we can get him the support he needs. Oh that’s what I forgot to do!   Support Asstism.

(c)2015 motherofafelon


1). Guys use Viagra to masterbate. If you need meds to play with yourself, your game is bored. Put it away and get outta the house. In that order.

2) They also use porn when they have a willing, breathing partner. WTF and I mean it. Why They Fu*k? If it don’t matter where he gets his appetite, then he’s not about eatin you.

3) It’s not your monkeys, not your circus, it’s all mine.

4) No one ever believes it could happen there, because it’s always happening here.

5) People say, “He seemed like such a nice guy.” If you knew Jeffrey Dahmer, John Gacy or Ed Gein, and they seemed normal, then you’re a weirdo. Every photo you see of, “He Seemed Like Such A Nice Guy,” is creepy. So either you’re not very observant or all your friends have a girl locked in the basement. Who you hangin with?

6) Why do cops need to draw their guns? Can’t they just take a selfie?

7) Why can’t you believe it’s not butter? It’s just not, ok?

8) How can I be freezing in hell?

9) Why are so many trolls on lines? Shouldn’t they be in rehab?

10) Who wouldn’t want to be in my shoes? They’re really comfortable.

11) You know why everyone starts a family of their own? Cause it’s really messy to start someone else’s.

12) Why Open Letters? Try envelopes.

13) Dr. Phil says he has the best resources in the world, but allows addicts to shoot up in the bathroom and drink in the dressing room. How bout putting lives before ratings? Are you man enough? Are you rich enough? Are you famous enough to put your money where your Southern drawls?

14) I think gay people need walk-out closets.

15) And I don’t know why anyone would invite Kayne.

16) Besides your family, who cares if, at 22, you decided you never want kids? And why let others rile you? Come up with an answer that shuts em up, just like ya do with kids.  It’ll be good practice  if ya change your mind.

17) Does anyone ever really know they want kids? Ya might think ya wanna baby, toddler or child, but if anyone woulda asked, “Do you want teens?” I’da shoved NuvaRings up my ass and eaten a case of unlubed, spermicidal Trojans.

17) Why is justice blind? It’s a really bad tradition.  It’s 2015, have laser surgery.

18) When asked, “What would Jesus do?” did you answer, “Be a bitch?” Seems like it, but I bet you’re wrong.

(c) a finglunatic2015